PARIS — Beach volleyball by the Eiffel Tower. Equestrian at the Palace of Versailles. Triathlon swimming in the Parisian sewer system.
Paris 2024 has incorporated some iconic venues into the Olympics.
That’s caused some to claim that Los Angeles should be nervous to host the 2028 Summer Olympics because the city supposedly lacks comparatively venerable structures and such a profound history
Apparently they don’t teach school kids here about the rich tale of how the Kardashians settled on a favorite table at Nobu.
Anyway, the French like to be French and brag about everything this side of the smell of their subway system, but on behalf of the United States of America in general, and L.A. in particular, we say … bring it.
Yeah, sure, they held skateboarding and BMX in the same park as Louis the XVI and Marie Antoinette were beheaded and the marathon started in front of Paris’ ornate city hall that was built in 1357, and we acknowledge the aforementioned Versailles does have a decent gardener.
But L.A. takes a back seat to no one!
After all, what is Mona Lisa but the original influencer, famous for being famous.
Opening Ceremonies: The 405, rush hour(s).
The French broke the Olympic mold by taking the Opening Ceremony outside of a stadium and to the masses. They turned the Parade of Nations into a flotilla down the Seine. An estimated 300,000 fans were able to watch.
In L.A., let's bust out a bunch of flatbed trucks, load the athletes on them and send them down the 405 on a Friday afternoon. It may take eight hours, and sucking in exhaust may impact athletic performance, but they won’t lack for people cheering them on with drivers blasting their horns and flipping them off.
Talk about an iconic Southern California experience.
Beach Volleyball: Parking lot of Randy’s Donuts
L.A. has lots of actual beaches — unlike Paris — but this is in direct response to the French staging beach volleyball on a makeshift court at the base of the 1,083-foot erector set they worship.
If you want an iconic visual, just imagine some digs and spikes under the watchful eye of a 32-foot, 6-inch diameter donut that’s been lording over the Inglewood skyline since 1952. Bonus points for being able to order a dozen classic sugar-raised.
Cycling: Route of O.J. Simpson’s White Bronco slow speed chase.
France may have the Champs-Elysees, but L.A. has the Santa Ana Freeway to the Artesia Freeway to the San Diego Freeway — under cheering crowds on bridge overpasses — completing in a tree-lined street in Brentwood with a trail of news choppers overhead.
Tennis: East Rancho Dominguez County Park, Compton
If it was good enough for Venus and Serena then it is good enough for the Olympics.
Baseball: Mason Recreation Center, Chatsworth
If it was good enough for the Chico's Bail Bonds Bears, then it is good enough for the Olympics. During the game, managers must drink beer in the Morris Buttermaker Memorial dugout and pitch to Kelly Leak.
Karate: Matadome Gymnasium, Cal State Northridge
Locale of the 1984 All Valley Tournament, which featured one of the greatest showdowns in karate's 700-plus-year history. Daniel LaRusso will fight!
Basketball: Venice Beach Courts
Winner stays on. They could complete the entire tournament in a day. Let’s see if Nikola Jokić can shoot threes into a sea breeze.
3x3 Basketball: LaVar Ball’s Backyard, Chino Hills
Bring the Big Baller Brand back.
Softball: Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Wait, that’s actually happening. Don’t ask.
Swimming: Malibu
Lifeguards: Mitch Buchanan and C.J. Parker.
French Pole Vaulter Housing: Playboy Mansion
Skateboarding: Empty kidney-shaped backyard swimming pool in Orange County
Would make for an excellent edition of “Flip or Flop” if halfway through the renovation, they stage the Olympics (like a pop of subway tile, it’s good for resale) by taking it back to its old-school roots.
100-meter dash: Brennan’s, Marina del Rey
Venerable watering hole knows how to stage a sprint — they’ve been racing turtles there every Thursday night since 1975. Live music follows and there’s a decent beer selection available for the winner (human or reptile).
BMX: Matterhorn at Disneyland, Anaheim
Obviously one of the world’s most awe-inspiring peaks, this will be a challenging course for the riders. Elevation, fake snow caps, dodging roller coaster cars and, of course, avoiding the Abominable Snowman.
Biathlon: Rodeo Drive, Beverly Hills
No, not the Winter Olympic version of cross country skiing and shooting. This is L.A. baby. Winner is best at power shopping with daddy’s Amex Black while carrying a tiny dog in a handbag.
Cricket: The Getty Museum
Locals can come and pretend to understand a sport in the same location they come and pretend to understand contemporary art.
Rowing: USC
American head coach: Lori Laughlin
Directions: Secret location
Drop the competitors somewhere in L.A. and challenge them to reach Dodger Stadium as fast as possible. “Oh boy, he’s going for the short cut through El Segundo!” “That’s the wrong side of the 10!” “Sepulveda this time of day? Is he mad?”
Sport Climbing: Nakatomi Plaza, Century City
Climbers must climb in bare feet.
Yippee-Ki-Yay, Paris … See you in 2028.
